Believe with me that it will get better

“1-800-273-8255” is a song who’s title gives the number for the national suicide hotline. It’s a song about suicide and fighting the fight to want to live. The lyrics start off with, “I’ve been on the low, I’ve been taking my time. I feel like I’m out of my mind… It feels like my life ain’t mine. Who can relate?”

Well, I have to confess that I can relate. I struggle with chronic depression. It’s something that has probably laid in the shadows of most of the columns that I’ve written, a lingering melancholy. There’s a stigma associated with depression that makes it hard to admit you deal with it. Sometimes folks will say you’re not praying enough or fighting hard enough to overcome it. But what do you do when getting out of bed in the morning seems pointless?

I’m in a constant battle for hope, and I thank my friends who know I struggle that call and check in with me. It’s still hard, though. It’s the struggle of letting people in on something that is elusive. Sometimes I look around at all that I’m blessed with and wonder, how can I be sad? Then I beat myself up for those feelings.

One thing I’ve found is being transparent makes a huge difference in my ability to recover from chronic depression. So letting it be made known, even if I worry that people will look at me as a misfit, or someone who’s broken, is all I can do to win the fight against it.

See, I sat around listening to a friend talk about her struggle with depression and I thought she showed so much courage and conviction. It made me more conscious that I could share my struggle. This friend talked openly about how she needed help and got help but admitted that every day was still a struggle to keep pressing onward. And hearing her speak I realized that her courage allowed me to feel like less of an oddity. I could relate. And that’s the power in sharing that I do deal with depression and that I have thought about not wanting to live this life.

In expressing these feelings I realized there’s power in knowing that you’re not alone. There’s a community of us I’m sure who wrestle behind the scenes with depression, putting on a smiling face to keep people from getting too close. I’m realizing it’s time for me to do the opposite, to be real, no matter the consequences so that people can know what’s going on with me.

I’ve been smiling and hiding for too long. There’s peace, there’s hope, there’s encouragement out there and I believe I’ll find it. But it starts with being real and letting it be known that some days I won’t feel like smiling, won’t see the point in cheering, may not hear from God because it’s hard to believe he’s real amidst the sorrow I feel.

When my mother died, I didn’t realize it but I lost the one person I could trust completely. I knew that she knew me inside and out and I got so much insight from her. I don’t know the root of prevailing pain inside of me but I guess that’s probably where it starts. There’s grief not dealt with and trauma that’s unresolved.

Someone told me maybe I need to forgive her for leaving. I’m not sure if I do or not. I just know I need to talk about her, to keep her memory alive in me.

Whatever the reason is for the melancholy, I know that I can’t be afraid to share that it’s what I face on a daily basis because I’m smart enough to know that I’m blessed with a wife who loves me and wants to be there and friends who feel the same way. For those who struggle with the melancholy, you’re not alone. Believe with me that it will get better.

Chandler Collins is a staff writer for The Southeast Sun and Daleville Sun-Courier. The opinions of this writer are his own and not the opinion of the paper. He can be reached at (334) 393-2969 or by email at [email protected].